Strip Club

Last night me and my NEW friends went to a strip club for one of their friends bday! And let me just say it was AWESOME, I got hit on by a stripper who wanted my number but I had no number so she wanted me to wait till she got off work so we could hang and she could give me her number lol but I couldnt so I left cause I had a ride home. Besides by the time I left I was sooo drunk off 151 I couldnt even think straights.THEN the car ride home which i do not remember! it was a freaking nightmare....you know how i was talking about how crappy bf treats me? well....apparently for last night i had switched teams i mean chicks are hot i have always thought so but never have i thought that i wanted to lick a pussy but apparently on the car ride home i was totally molesting poor L***e like trying to kiss on her and like all kinds of stupid disgusting things...............I feel like never showing my face again! They told me I was saying all these things and revealing all my best friends secrets to the whole car...and hitting on L**** in front of her bf, he thought it was hilarious tho!

Temporary Fix

I miss my boyfriend (even tho hes a crazy pain in my ass) I have been substituting(talking to, not anything else! dont get the wrong idea) him with someone else......and i feel bad about it because well besides the most OBVIOUS reasons that im betraying my boyfriends trust...actually lack of trust cause its been 2 1/2 years and finally i have had enough of his mess i guess....i feel like he keeps pushing and pushing me farther away and now im 40 something thousand miles away!
But ne ways the other reason i feel bad is because i love him and no matter the reason I shouldnt be substituting him with NE ONE! its just i wouldnt want to if he was nicer sometimes......today he saent me a message saying

You promised me we would talk, and you couldnt even care to talk to me without being "rude" to some fuckin stranger, then you put that snake on the phone, i never got to tell her, shes a dumbshit and i trust you more than her. Then you hangup on me, then i call you like 30 times, with no answer~i was worried not jealous, but if you dont care and you are making me look like a bitch, then i hope you two slash your wrists and bleed to death in a fucking ohio ditch!

like seriously all that and him not answering my call for days? all because I hung up on him, cause instead of talking to me the whole conversation he was arguing for 15 minutes straight and I was at a 4th of july party with people i had just met that day! and all i was saying was i couldnt talk long because i didnt want to be rude and he blew it all up! I mean hes just sooo cruel to me its ridiculous.......
 Well guys bye for now im going to have a girls night with my best friend ^_^ thank god for her! btw in the message he was taking about my best friend when he said "her" and "you two"

Home for now

Im here in Ohio I landed the 3rd at 10:11 pm here in Ohio. Its crazy cause I still dont feel like im here....like this is just temporary but i know its not! I know I have to try and make it here because im tired of being a nobody in hawaii....its too expensive to make it on your own and I just want to be happy for once. I wish my boyfriend could understand that but hes not making this easy on me

I leave HAWAII in 7 hours and 30 mintues

I'm finally going to be with my best friend.  ^_^ sometimes when i talk to her i hear about all the drama and it makes me not want to go....but I love her and am looking forward to being near her. The area is neat...that's right i said neat damn don't throw rocks GEE!!!!!!!! ne ways I'm excited but I'm really nervous about how things are going to work out....I have all my eggs in this one basket and if the basket breaks then I'm fucked.
My family came over last night for a dinner for "me" yet they sat around gossiping and they barely spoke to me and when they did they lectured me! its the cycle of my family I'm not saying I'm don't have the same problem but i feel like i do it in a nicer way!(not the gossiping the lecturing) Like i don't ATTACK U and come at u in pairs......that's just ridiculous! why would u want me to remember u that way? That was the last night I'm going to be in Hawaii and that's how I have to remember it! They make it hard for me to care I'm just so sick of it really! And my friend was telling me " Oh they are prolly going to give u cards and money!" and i said "HAH yea right! I highly doubt that!" and I was right no cards or money! They could care less about me! Yet when my cousin K Went on a mission for a MONTH they gave him money!!!!!!!!!!! How the fuck is that? I'm the one moving! But u know what i just don't care because their not going to call and I'm not going to waste my energy! they have their own lives now and that's fine with me!

Flight Booked

Okay soo my flight is booked for July 2nd and I'm packing all of my things...just trying real hard not to fall apart because.....hawaii has been my whole world! I have never left and I never wanted to...this is my home and these are my people. But now starts a new adventure, I have always been the bravest boldest person I know...on the outside and now comes a real test of courage and I feel like I'm going to crack. Right now writing and reading my blog it feels like I'm reading a Soap or something! The drama hasn't ended from begging to end.

  But I feel like I am going to have a future FINALLY that doesn't consist of living with someones parents and sharing a place.....I can actually see myself in 5-7 years putting a down payment on a home. And the depression just goes away little by little. In case you haven't noticed that I am someone who suffers from depression.....its not pleasant and it feels like it rocks my whole world because i just cant prevent it from happening....It has been a bumpy road my life...not paved by cement but covered in gravel and broken beer bottles.
I have had a list since I was a kid this list....was and still is all the things I wanted to do when I grew up ;) Some were added along the years.

Go to Egypt
Sail a Boat
Buy a House under MY name without a man OR with a GREAT man
Get my own place and finally be independent
Find a Career(Thur July 24, 2010 i passed my Hawaii CNA state Test)
Become Successful at my chosen profession
Travel to Rome
Travel to Europe and see all they have to offer
Travel to somewhere other than Hawaii(My Flight Leaves to Ohio July 2, 2010)

I have a few things crossed off but there's sooo much more work to do! I cant Wait to start a new life for myself! Its so scary and exciting.

Garaged sale this past weekend

Im really very sad because i sold my things at my grandmothers garage sale this past friday and saturday and I was really upset because the prices for my stuff were soooooo low already but people are soooo cheap! It makes me soo mad because most of it was just about new and i sold it for 1/3 the price! GOSH people are like heartless.........
And today my ex boyfriend shut off my phone because he thinks that I was plannig to leave him for awhile and whatever and he was saying all this really mean stuff to me and yelling and im just soooo glad im leaving this place.

I have been trying to study but its so hard to focus with all these things going on!
Bye for now! and thanks for listening

Change 2

I spent the whole day packing, giving away and preparing to sell my prized possesions(not like my stuff is worth alot...only to me because of memories).....it was sooo depressing. I have lived here all my life and now Im going to be somewhere else very soon....Ohio in fact. And im not going to talk crap about ohio because I have never been there and im not ignorant sooo lets not talk about things we know NOTHING about. I hope its everything she says it is. Because im just soo tired of moving.
Let my explain, My whole life I have moved from house to house from school to school from Relative to Relative. I have lived with all of my grandmothers children (she has 8) and both my grandparents I have lived with 2 friends and lived with my boyfriends parents... I have been living with my boyfriend since I was 18....soooo 2 1/2 years and well thats my crazy life. I mean I cant complain because some people are homeless.....but sometimes I feel like my family is NEVER sympathetic at all towards me..."That happens all the time" or "its happened to EVERYONE"

WELL JUST BECAUSE IT HAPPENS ALL THE TIME AND HAPPENS TO EVERYONE DOESNT MKE IT RIGHT AND IT DOESNT MEAN YOU SHOULD DISREGAURD MY FEELINGS ABOUT IT! Is that what someone else told you to do? Well I just cant I have enough things haunting my dreams do I need more? Whats so wrong with me venting, you taking my side and my slowly moving on?????? I mean im getting out of the longest relationship of my life and its going to be a week tomorrow and already Im moving states!!! CANT I GET A LITTLE SUPPORT????????? And my family is always telling me things like "oh poor you!" YES POOR ME OKAY? If i dont feel bad for myself then NO ONE WILL and im positive of that! I mean dont get me wrong I dont even want pity i just want to vent and for someone to understand and listen and JUST BE THERE! But no one in my life knows how to JUST listen im not sure they know what that means! Its sooo frustrating.....Im just tired of feeling alone!
I have so many things going on and im sooo stressed out! Yesterday I went to get my state ID and omg it took 4 hours to get it and I look HORRID and I have been studying like crazy...not to mention I am either getting my period or very very sick!
Well I have to go for now!! See you guys really soon!

About Me...

Hello my name is Mele,
I was born and raised in Hawaii. Im a 21 year old girl obviously and not to mention a total mess. My life was tough from the start. I was supposed to be a twin, the story My mom would tell me is the the reason I have a Blonde streak is because before my brother went to heaven he kissed my head and left a pink spot on my head where the blonde grows from. My Mom had me when she was 16 years old and was on drugs all while i grew up She had 8 kids total I am the oldest. My dad has been in and out of jail my whole life and on drugs so I couldnt rely on him either I was adobted by my grandmother...we were always very very poor. I got a job to buy food and my own clothes when i was 16 and have been working ever since but living pay check to pay check. I was on drugs for awhile....always drunk or stoned(weed) from 15 years old. I was a total disaster for a long time Getting soo drunk and blacking out not remembering what had happened but when I finally cleaned up my act and got a full time job saved up enough for my part of the first months rent and my part of the deposit, my friends bailed out on me. Left me high and dry with no where to turn so I moved in with my boyfriend because my family all had no room for me. When I first moved in we were only dating for two months soo things were fresh and happy. But by a year and a half I went from having loads and loads of friends to having 4 friends left, all of whom he did not like of course...... There was alot of him putting me down & making me feel terrible... ALOT of weight gain in 2 years (almost 80 lbs) & his family complaining about any and everything I did. As of June 17 we would have made 1 yr and 4 months but we broke up June 2 2010. It was the worst day of my life but I have to do what is best for me.
As of Friday June 5, 2010 I decided the only place I could survive is in the mainland......Hawaii is, and always will be my home....but its small, expensive and hard to survive.

Im sooo scared of moving for several reasons....
1.Im scared of heights and hate flying.
2. Ive never even been out of the state of hawaii.
3. I have 2 friends there
4. I know the people are not like me....will I fit in?
5.I dont want to leave him after almost 2 and a half years because I love him

So I almost have enough money to get there but Im struggling with it. My friend who is in Ohio(im moving to live with her till i get on my feet) She suggested I start a blog and ask people to donate.....I love other people alot and I give to charity when I have and if a homeless man ask for money I stop and give him money but I am Very doubtful when it comes to asking other people for things..... I feel very ashamed...so im asking online. Im not asking for a hundred dollars because i know everyone has their own problems and thats not fair of me but $.50 from 100 people is $50 and $50 x 12= $600 which is how much my ticket cost.